


so i can set me free

by adelaidebabe (soulless_slut)



Series: noah/audrey collection [2]
Category: Scream (TV)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Demi Character, Dysphoria, Gen, Jewish Audrey Jensen, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Demigirl Audrey Jensen, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Pre-Series, Warning: Anti Emma Duval Mention, it's in passing but, it's small but i feel the need to warn for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:10:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulless_slut/pseuds/adelaidebabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“As much as she wants to get up, she can’t. Can’t quite make her body function the way she wants to. Doesn’t even know what she would do if she <em>could</em> get up.</p><p>Jesus Christ, she wants to die.</p><p>She wishes she was at Noah’s. It’s a weird thought, a kind of random wish, but she knows he’d go to extreme lengths to distract her. And maybe a distraction is all she needs. Something mindless to focus on so she can stop thinking about how much she hates herself and her body right now.”<br/>--<br/>aka audrey tells noah about her dysphoria</p>
            </blockquote>





	so i can set me free

**Author's Note:**

> title from black crow by angus and julia stone. so i've had this written down in my notebook for like a week and only just finished typing it out. i wanted to write audrey telling noah about her dysphoria. there's some not-nice mentions of emma in this, but audrey's still hurting. unbeta'd; all mistakes are mine (& i posted this all from mobile so).

This feeling isn’t new.

She knows it isn’t, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. She thought maybe finally having a name for it would help, but no.

She doesn’t know why she thought that; do cancer patients suddenly feel better when they know it’s cancer?

 _Lo_.

Audrey’s lying in bed, wishing for death.

(Which really isn’t new after the whole Bitch Switch, but regardless.)

It’s late, but she doesn’t know how late because five minutes ago she was asleep. Something woke her up and now she’s lying here, practically paralyzed. Her heart pounding. Feeling an overwhelming sense of _wrongness_.

As much as she wants to get up, she can’t. Can’t quite make her body function the way she wants to. Doesn’t even know what she would do if she _could_ get up.

Jesus Christ, she wants to die.

She wishes she was at Noah’s. It’s a weird thought, a kind of random wish, but she knows he’d go to extreme lengths to distract her. And maybe a distraction is all she needs. Something mindless to focus on so she can stop thinking about how much she hates herself and her body right now.

That’s it.

Audrey focuses all of her energy into reaching for and grabbing her phone. She’s exhausted, her body is exhausted, but she can’t quit now that she has her phone in hand. She fires off, _SOS @ mine. Key where it always is. Am physically fine_ , and then melts into her mattress. Hopes that Noah doesn’t freak out too much over how cryptic her text is.

After a few moments of waiting, he phone buzzes. _Got it_ , is all Noah texts back, but Audrey feels a surge of relief anyway.

Part of her wishes she could just fall back asleep and be fine when Noah gets there. She can apologize for waking him. Tell him to get in bed with her instead of making the journey back home. Not have to tell him what was wrong; just sleep.

But she knows she’s not sleeping anytime soon. Knows Noah wouldn’t let the situation drop. And part of her really wants to tell him. Maybe she’d feel less alone. Maybe he’d figure out a way to help her.

Unsure of how long she’s been stuck in her thoughts, Audrey comes back when there’s a quiet knock on her bedroom door. She almost panics because she didn’t think Noah would knock. Thought he would just walk in.

She isn’t totally sure it’s Noah and not her parents.

She doesn’t know what would wake her dad or her mom and cause them to check up on her, but. She’s still worried. Because even though the worst thing they would do if they saw Noah here at this hour would be rolling their eyes, she still doesn’t want them to cross paths.

Because then Noah might tell them _why_ he’s here and then they would want to know what’s wrong. And ask why she didn’t tell them first.

Her mind is rushing into overdrive for no reason, she realizes, when the door begins to open slowly and Noah sticks his baby face through the crack.

Audrey smiles even though his face is shadowed because type only light is from the hallway behind him. She fumbles for her phone, turning on the flashlight because she knows she’d never be able to turn on the light in her room.

Not enough energy.

Silently, she watches as Noah flicks off the hallway light and makes his way fully into her room, shutting the door behind him.

Without prompting, Noah kicks off his shoes and crawls in the bed behind Audrey, holding her. She sighs, squeezing the arm around her.

She doesn’t remember when this started. The cuddling. She and Noah have only been friends for a little more than a year, but it already feels like forever. Without him, Audrey doesn’t know where she’d be, especially because she met him after the Bitch Switch.

Became friends with him after the Bitch Switch. Probably because of the Bitch Switch.

Despite only knowing each other for a year, Audrey feels this weird sort of completeness or kinship. Noah understands her, somehow, more than anyone really has—even Emma, and they were friends for years.

(But apparently not good enough friends; hello, Bitch Switch.)

Even though maybe it should feel weird to constantly be in each other’s space—cuddling, hugging, just touching somehow—it’s not. It feels normal.

So Audrey lets it happen and doesn’t really question it anymore. Just relishes the fact that it makes her feel better a good majority of the time.

Even now.

Eventually, though, Audrey clears her throat and asks, “Can you talk about something?”

“Anything?”

“Yeah,” she says.

Noah inhales comically and she smiles softly. Then listens to him rant about the ending of _Inception_ and how he thinks Christopher Nolan took the easy way out.

It’s a tirade she’s heard him go on too many times to count, but now it’s a comfortable familiarness. She knows what he’s talking about without having to focus too hard. Can just let his voice wash over her.

He’s almost done when Audrey begins to feel a bit better. But she doesn’t stop him; just lets him finish and absorbs the silence that fills up the space his voice left.

Five minutes go by—or an hour, or longer—when Noah says, “Good?”

Audrey nods, though it’s difficult lying down, being cuddled into Noah, and confirms, “Good.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Audrey shrugs (again, difficult), but says, “I don’t know how.”

He squeezes her. “Try.” After a pause, he adds, “If you want.”

Audrey’s quiet for a long while. “Sometimes,” she starts, hesitating. “Sometimes I don’t feel right.”

“Like anxiety?” Noah asks. “Because you know I get that. Generalized anxiety disorder anyone?”

She shakes her head. “Not exactly.” Audrey gently pushes Noah’s arm so she can sit up and he follows. They rearrange themselves so Audrey’s sitting cross-legged, leaning into Noah with his arm around her shoulders.

“It’s like…. It’s kind of like anxiety. But the wrongness is…about my body.” She breathes in and then rushes to continue. “It’s not all the time. Just sometimes. Sometimes what I look like feels wrong and it overwhelms me.”

Noah doesn’t say anything and Audrey’s sure she lost him.

“It’s dysphoria, Noah,” she says. “I get dysphoria.”

Noah nods. “I mostly got that, I was just. I was thinking.” He pauses and she can see him look at her out of the corner of her eye. “So are you—are you, uh, transgender?”

Instantly, Audrey shakes her head. “No. I don’t know. I’m on the spectrum?” she says, but it comes out as a question. “Because I am a girl. I know I am. Most of the time. But sometimes I’m just….” She pauses, finally settling for, “Not.”

“Okay,” Noah says. Neither of them say anything for a moment until he asks, “Is there anything I can do to help? During the bad times?”

Audrey shrugs. “What you did was fine. It helped.”

“I want to do better than fine. I’m an overachiever.”

Audrey laughs once, quick. “I’m afraid it’s probably going to be a lot of trial and error, Foster.”

Noah shrugs and says easily, “I live for experiments.” He blanches and stutters, “That came out wrong, I’m sorry, your gender identity is not an experiment for me.”

“Chill, Foster. I understood what you meant.”

“Then why’d you let me ramble?”

She pinches his cheek. Coos, “You’re so cute when you’re afraid of me.”

“Ha, ha,” he deadpans, slapping her hand away.

Audrey laughs, feeling lighter than she has all night. She tilts her head until it falls on Noah’s shoulder, his arm around her holding her tighter. “You’re a good man, Noah Foster.”

“Don’t make me Charlie Brown in this scenario. If anyone’s Charlie Brown, it’s you.”

“Please. I’m too badass to be Charlie Brown.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

Audrey elbows him. Lightly. “Shut up, Foster.”

**Author's Note:**

>   * _lo_ means no in hebrew
>   * audrey's reactions/feelings toward emma are very personal to me and i will defend audrey jensen with my dying breath. she's a better person than i could hope to be
>   * bitch switch is the nickname audrey gave the event that is emma ditching her for popular friends
>   * they're fourteen in this fic; near the end of their freshmen year probably
>   * noah's dad is already dead
>   * noah has generalized anxiety disorder, fight me
>   * audrey's original dialogue following, "if anyone's charlie brown, it's you," was, "shut your whore mouth, foster."
>   * noah's original dialogue following, "i'm too badass to be charlie brown," was, "you mean sadass which is a prerequisite to be charlie brown."
>   * come find me on tumblr @ [fosterjensen](https://fosterjensen.tumblr.com)
> 



End file.
